Pity Party on Gina’s Blog

So, you’ve been warned – this will be a pathetic, self-indulgent post.  Run before it’s too late!

First of all, if my 2.78 readers wouldn’t mind praying for a friend of mine named Carolyn H.; she is having surgery on Monday 11/2.  She and I appreciate your thoughts!

Secondly, work continues to get worse every……single……moment!  I will not get into the details here because, well, I live them most of the time!  But it seems as though the owner’s nine lives may finally be up.  He has definitely manifested some really amazing life savers to date, but his magic seems to be running out…….or at least put off the inevitable……which appears to be crashing into the present with a huge and unfailing force.  While there is a huge part of me that is freaking out to be out of a job, I would be lying if I said “the end” would also offer long awaited relief!

Health wise I have had a few struggles lately.  While I don’t feel comfortable sharing the details in this venue, they HAVE caused me some tough spots.  These spots have varied from concern to inconvenience to down right freaking me out.  So, if you have a spot on your prayer list (if you are one that has such as thing) I would also appreciate a shout out on my behalf as well.  If not, your positive thoughts will be accepted! 

And on a random note, I am disappointed in myself in that I am constantly surprised by how very self-centered so many people have become!  I mean, at my age, I should be much more jaded or at least conditioned to realize that this is a common piece of society today.  Yet, I expect people to be considerate, understanding, and even POLITE.  Sheesh, what do I even know?!?!?!!?!  I forgot that today most look out “for number one” and that’s about it.  Maybe I am that way, too, come to think of it!

And I realized tonight, perhaps though it is not constant, that it would be amazingly wonderful to spend one evening without the TV blaring, without everything centering around the kids, and maybe allowing the working adult who drives 70+ miles a day to have some peace and quiet for maybe an hour.  That would be heaven on earth.  And that is the springboard of the pity party…….

Gina out.

Try not to ask why…..

Disclaimer:  This post totally lives up to the “Just Rambling” name, with no subject, no thesis, no nothing……..

Why can’t seeing people suffer with untreatable diseases be easier to handle?  I don’t know, that made me realize how I struggle to take control of things.  I want to fix this or deal with that.  I want to move and shake and make things happen.  And sometimes, well, I can’t!  And that – excuse my French – pisses me off.  But, at the same time, I cringe when well meaning individuals shake their hands at God for not healing someone or for not stopping a tragedy from happening.  I mean, most would say they wouldn’t want God controlling their lives day-to-day…..like telling them how to speak or how fast to drive or what to wear or whether or not to drink or dance or whatever.  But often, when something BAD happens, He’s the first to be blamed!

I say, sheesh, free will goes both ways people!  And God never promised us a non-tough life.

Anyway, I totally have control issues.  I want to be all things to all people…..well, maybe all things to some people.  And I can’t.  And I want to make everyone happy or comfortable or relaxed.  Sometimes I succeed, but often I fail.  Or I become “the Gina of the moment”, which really means I am trying to be what I THINK they want me to be.  I am better at not doing that, but sheesh.  Hard work.

So tonight I am trying not to control things.  Have been trying to write lyrics to a song I wrote last December over Christmas called “Butterflies”.  It’s a little difficult….partly because that moment is gone, partly because I am just not in the mood to write lyrics.  Usually I write lyrics, then the music.  Sometimes, like with my song Wasted, I wrote the music first.  Not that ANY of my songs are worthy of much more than giving me something to do, but I DO enjoy it very much!  I guess that’s another re-focus I can work on…..making music for ME and not expecting anyone else to even care!

On that note, I DO miss playing the drums very much – mostly with a band duh.  There’s something to be said for melding with a band.  A few months ago Edgar and I were listening to some older song we did in the 90’s….listening to his brother Eric’s guitar playing…..listening to more recent recordings from me playing at church.  It’s kind of surreal on both counts – looking back at “our youth” like that, and also realizing wow!  That was some awesome fun times and the music was pretty good, too!  But mostly I miss FEELING the music, becoming a part of it, knowing exactly what is needed and when, and only dropping a drumstick once in a while…..

And that reminds me!  At my last “corporate” job, we had staff meetings every week which included worship time.  I was the main drummer for a while…..I think it was during Christmas one year and I was kind of bored.  Drums are not that big with Christmas carols, you know?  Anyway, one song DID have drums of sorts and I was playing, but being kind of blasé with everything.  It was a moment when the music was playing but people were praying.  All of a sudden, I hit the high hat coming up with the drumstick in my right hand and BAM – it flew out of my hand and landed JUST out of reach to my left.  Dang!  So I tried to cover the best I could, stretching out my foot trying to get the stick, and was relieved that no one saw the fiasco happen.  (I say, yeah for praying!)  Then, later in the day while in the galley getting coffee, Wendy (accounting chick) comes up to me and says, “Gina, I so saw you drop the drumstick!  You were trying to be so sly!”  Do you know how many years I had to hear about that!  LOL

So anyway, if you know of old people trying to be young with a band who needs a drummer, let me know!

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about the Disneyland pics…..but I think they were accidenally deleted.  Still checking.  In the mean time, here are some funny ones from Easter.  Yeah, sorry I didn’t get dolled up for these……you can see them by clicking here.  It is stored in Facebook, so email or comment me if you have any problems.

OH, and I was fortunate enough to have a massage last night at a location here in SCV called Massage Envy!  They are GREAT, reasonably priced, and boy did they get the stress out of me for HALF the cost of Glen Ivy!  If you are near this area, let me know and I can get you discount entrance!  Seriously!

Gina OUT!

If you could…..

……….call up that one person from your past to say you missed him/her, even still loved him/her, would you?

………apologize for the thing you did to a relative years and years ago, would you?

………kiss for hours and hours, never worrying about anything else, would you?

……….forget about the past and live in the moment, would you?

……….think about someone you lost and forget everything but the good times, would you?

……….fight off the feeling of helplessness and sorrow, and take ONE STEP forward, would you?

……….laugh at yourself long and hard, would you?

……….treat one stranger with kindness, with no strings attached…..would you?

I hope you would…….

Thinking Again – DANGER!

Just to warn you, I have had only one cup of coffee!

Although I am NOT a therapist, psychologist, or any other licensed individual, I HAVE received plenty of therapy to have a sense of what makes sense.  Like, for example, it makes more sense to address specific issues you have with someone when you are seeking to find closure than dredge up every slight on the face of the earth that may have happened OR state how you view their life – even in unrelated areas.  Or that, to be  a good parent, there will be times when your kids “hate” you.  Or, if you are in a relationship or in love, you will have tough times on occasion.  That communication is hard work.  That forgiveness means letting go and sometimes you have to do that without hearing “I forgive you” from the other party.  That forgiveness doesn’t mean things go back “to normal”.  That forgiveness is an action for both parties, but mostly for you.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, I think I have looked at things incorrectly.  I have already shared that I expect forgiveness and yet don’t always offer it (I think that’s true for a lot of us).  And I have been “taught” over the last few months to change my view.  But in doing so, I am learning that, just because I am seeking to forgive, I cannot and should not EXPECT anything.  I should not expect forgiveness from others, even if I’ve asked for it.  I should not expect the pain or hurt I have caused to miraculously disappear.  I should not expect a group of long-haired people to sing “Kumbaya” as I high five those around me as I pridefully say, “Yeah, another one down!  Forgiveness rocks and I rock!”

Forgiveness is more important than that.  It is knowing you have addressed an issue and humbly faced it.  Knowing what you did, whether intentional or not, caused an issue (pain, hurt, awkwardness, whatever).  And then, acknowledging that issue to the parties involved – especially yourself.  In doing so, you process it for yourself and HOPEFULLY, release any angst for the others.  However, it should not be done to find peace, although that is a by product.  You should not do it merely to be reconciled.  You should not do it to get rid of guilt.  You should do it because its the right thing to do, period.

Here’s another example of what I am trying to say.  For years I have purposefully allowed drivers with blinkers on to change lanes in front of me, but then would get irritated if they would not say thank you.  “How inconsiderate!” I would think!  Sheesh, after my obvious nice action and they didn’t say thanks?  But recently I realized – in having that attitude, the emphasis was on that I was being nice and the “sin” was that it wasn’t acknowledged.  But really, was that what I was doing for?  Did I do it to be acknowledged as nice?  No, I did it because it was the right thing to do as a courteous driver.  So, with the focus changed, if I let someone change lanes in front of me, I never expect a thank you, because I should let them in because it’s the right thing to do.  And, if I DO get a thank you, then its gravy.

Not sure if I’m REALLY making sense – maybe I should get another cup of coffee……but the bottom line for me today is – I will continue to forgive, will try to express that verbally to those that need to hear it, and not expect anything else.  Because that is the right thing to do.  And, even though I am sure to blow it over and over again, I yearn to do the right thing.

Life and Other Four Letter Words

No, I promise, this is not going to be a downer post.  Although I COULD write on and on about how things can suck, that is not for this post.  I know, disappointing!

So there is some pretty crazy things that happen in life.  Yesterday, when I arrived in the parking lot at my work, I hear a loud BANG behind me.  My eyes snapped up to my rear view mirror, as I had already pulled into a space, and I viewed a jeep moving in the parking lot behind me.  When I got out of my car, I saw the craziest thing – a car facing the Jeep had driven over the curb between them, driver over a grass barrier/hill, and crashed into the Jeep!  But the fun doesn’t stop there!  The driver of the car, an elderly man, backed the car up and took off!  The poor Jeep owner, a woman visiting from Montana, had a badly hurt car and none of us was able to get his plate number!

Life – wow!

There are times when my day resembles that of the Jeep owner, if only metaphorically.  I am minding my own business and BAM! – something hits me and then takes off.  There are so many such occasions in my life actually.  And, unfortunately, the REAL problem is my reaction to it.  I have been angry, withdrawn, devastated, or not reactive enough.  I have spent way too much time thinking of the scenario in the first place and far too less dealing with the issue OR getting on with my life.

But sometimes I CAN and DO react in a positive manner.  I know, its a stretch.

Another four letter word – WORK.  I am very thankful I have a job, yes.  In fact, I just got a raise and I am very thankful for that.  I have all the trappings of an “important” job; a laptop, a company phone, I can and do sign checks, and I manage people.  However, I am currently having to face some serious CRAP (another four letter word, I might add) and it’s not pleasant.  In fact, the more I shovel the crap out, more seems to fall in.

PITY party is sort of a four letter word, too!

And I haven’t stated this in a while, but I love my Mac!  I have an HP for work, with Vista no less, and it’s OKAY…..(another four letter word), but it sure doesn’t touch the power and ease of my Mac!  Gosh, when I added my wireless printer, it took like 2 minutes with the Mac….I won’t even SAY what it took with horrible Vista!  Sheesh!  But I am not a hater…..and if you want a PC you get it, okay?  I really don’t care!

Okay, if you have any four letter words you would like to share, have at it.  Just keep it clean!

Gina OUT!

Yes, I am still alive!

True to form – I am short on time, but wanted to do a super-quick update for my 2.78 readers!

• I moved into my very own place this past weekend.  First time ever in my life!  I am very excited and have already made it very comfortable (despite fighting a horrible cold!)  AND, it’s only 2 miles from work!
• I still love my job at Du-par’s Restaurant in Studio City!  It keeps me busy for sure (worked 60 hours last week) but it’s truly a family place.  Kenny even worked with me one day!
• No surprise, my “love life” has been a nightmare!  I have learned I am a very angry person, which is really funny because the person that told me this has not even seen my Italian Temper!  I guess “being real” can be construed many ways.  Yet, I feel good about my life right now…..and look forward to the future
• Oh my word, I am WAY behind in school and for my Academy Award viewing!  Only one week left and I have TONS that I still have to see!  Dun dun dun!  I think this week is going to be frantic!
• I have decided that I will not let my sentimental side rule me as it has most of my life.  “Best friends” (former or otherwise) do not deserve my attention when they can’t even return an email or respond to a text that informs them that I was in a motorcycle accident.  THAT has been a great revelation for me!
• However, the Lord has truly blessed me lately with friends whom I never expect to stay!  You know who you are, but I am so so blessed and so so happy that TRUE friendships are so deep and cover my heart so completely!

Okay, gotta run!  The kids, who are also in the process of moving with Edgar, are doing fabulous.  I love them.  And Kirstie is cute.  LOL

Gina, OUT!

Why Love is Sometimes Not Enough…..

I am 41 years old and still have revelations. I still have these moments where the lights turn on and I say, “Ah, I get it now!” It is refreshing and humbling at the same time, and a great example of how we never quite get to the point where we “know it all”!

So, I’d like to share with you one lesson I have recently learned – love is sometimes not enough.

Let me put this into perspective to you.

I believed to the core of my being that, if I loved someone enough, they would eventually see this love and it would change their life for the better. This love would manifest itself in kind words, kind touches, monetary assistance, physical assistance, prayer, consistency, etc. Sometimes this love would be romantically driven as well as spiritually driven, but not always. Sometimes this love would come before my own self-love, even before others I love who have less power to control their own lives. Yet, my truth remained – love harder, believe deeper, and things will change! Ignore the treatment I am receiving, which is really an indication of my own failure more than anything the other person is responsible for!

But I realized, it is NOT my responsibility to provide enough love for someone else to stop being selfish, self-centered, or downright mean! Love is NOT enough to cover the bad attitudes, harsh words, deplorable actions of others! And it’s about time that I love myself enough to say – hey, I am not taking this crap any longer!

For example, I truly believe there have been narcissists in my life; at least they manifest many of the clinical characteristics I’ve had explained to me. And related to that, I’d like to share a quote I received from a DIFFERENT friend:

“You cannot reform a narcissist. When you are the target, you must move. You would not stand in front of a rifle aimed at you, and you must not stand in front of your abuser.”

And here is a quote taken from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time – everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

Sadly, I confess to you, my regular and devoted 2.87 readers in cyberspace, that I am guilty of both items above! I haven’t moved when the gun was aimed at me, and I have depleted myself to the point of death……just long enough to start the cycle again with someone else. So, my goals and actions, whether or not they were noble and pure, SUCK! And my love for others, in this regard, was certainly not enough.

Does this mean love ends? Or that love is bad? I tell those involved that the love has ended, but I know it remains. And even as I type this, I feel the urge to pick up the pieces and start the cycle, to try to fix the world, the others, and ignore the fact that this is a huge problem I have! Yet, I commit to fighting that urge, to admit that I DESERVE TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS! I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH HONOR, RESPECT, AND CARE! MY LOVE SHOULD BE ACCEPTED NOT BECAUSE IT IS NEEDED TO MAKE ANOTHER HOSPITABLE, BUT BECAUSE LOVE IS PATIENT AND KIND! AND FINALLY, I DESERVE TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS!

So, Love is Sometimes Not Enough. I still love you (you know who you are, and people, don’t make so many assumptions), but I will no longer allow you to treat me as you do in the name of this love! Gina is changing and I have God and my friends for their support!

Thanks…..

See Ya, 2008!

I don’t know if it’s my age or what, but the years sure pass by quickly nowadays! I was just getting used to the sound of 2008, and now it’s gone! And then I think about years past and it amazes me that the memories are piling up so high…..sigh!

So 2008 was an interesting year…..well, it could even be described as a horrible year in many ways. And maybe some of my regular readers expect me to recap those horrible parts. But I actually don’t feel like it! Right now I can’t help but think that, even with the tough part of the year, God has been faithful and brought me to the point of feeling His peace – not to mention that I’ve grown in ways I never thought possible. So, I’ve decided that these pieces of my year are more important to reflect on than the unfortunate circumstances that, ultimately, helped me on the journey.

• I appreciate the love and support of my friends over the year. Paramount in my mind are Rona and Stephanie, who helped me in ways that words cannot express.
• I have been able to live well this year, even without being employed most of the year. During the summer months especially, the time I spent with the boys was AMAZING! I would not change that for anything.
• Even though I hurt my shoulder, I am blessed to have COBRA and was able to have it fixed.
• I was able to see some amazing things this year; front row, just off center seats in Madison Square Garden with Cathy, where we watched Bon Jovi rock! The next night wasn’t bad either – 8th row! Seeing NYC, being in Central Park, and getting hot dogs and pizza were amazing, too! I appreciate Cathy giving me those memories.
• Spending a fun-filled mini-vacation at the Disneyland Resort with the boys was great fun too. It truly seems to be the happiest place on earth.
• Forging friendships for life filled this year. Edgar is truly my best friend and I am so glad to have him back in my life. Rita has shown me that it’s okay to be honest. Eddie, my brother, has reminded me that unconditional love does exist. Anita (Edgar’s Mom) has shown me that friendship takes on many shapes and convention should not be a determination.
• I have gotten so close to Kirstie this year that I cannot express how happy I am.
• I can talk to my Dad and Ellie and love spending time with them.
• I have been blessed by the internet in that I can easily communicate with family members who live far away; Aunt Kay, Cousins Lori and Christine, even Edgar’s brother Eric – all the way in Hungary!
• I love Gracie and am so glad she is part of my life! She fills spaces I never knew existed.

Okay, that’s all I have right now! Maybe more later!

Some great info about being Christian

Here is an excerpt from a discussion with Dr. Michael S. Horton, author of a new book called “Christless Christianity”.  You can go here to see the entire discussion and details on the book.  Thanks to Martin for sending the info in the first place.

Seattle, Wash.: I have been a Christian since I was 13. My church then prayed for the salvation of sinners…but never accepted anyone who had sinned or didn’t share their strict beliefs. More and more the church goers judge their neighbors and even relatives for being horrible sinners when these so called “horrible sinners” choose to be open to choices such as love and forgiveness. Choices such as these are seen weak by the “stronger” more righteous Christians. You know who these fake Christians are, they think all other religions and believers are weak and wrong. Then there is the whole, feverish belief that these un-meek Christian would rather die than allow someone their personal unrestricted rights to their own bodies. My question is, what kind of Christian believes in killing thy neighbor with war or bombs or shunning thy fellow man, if thy fellow man disagrees with his beliefs? Because I know that most evangelicals are so biased that they don’t care who or what they destroy for a couple of control issues over people and their freedom of choice.<!–

Rev. Dr. Michael S. Horton: If you send me your name and address, I’ll send you Christless Christianity-not because I want to push my book, but because it’s mainly because of people like you that I wrote it. (Just send your information to us using the contact us page of the christlesschristianity.org site) I know the church world you are talking about and share similar experiences growing up in it.

I know that it will sound simplistic, but here goes. Religion and spirituality are chiefly about how to attain power: power over oneself, one’s destiny, others, and even God. The gospel, by contrast, is God’s power for salvation (Rom 1:19). It is God’s means of saving us, not a “to-do” list for saving ourselves. As Paul said in Romans 10, our native religion is “works-righteousness”: If I can ascend up to heaven to pull God down, or descend into the depths to raise Christ from the dead, then I (or we) will finally have (fill in the blank). But “the righteousness that is by faith in Christ,” says Paul, responds differently. It simply hears God deliver his Son to us and receives this Good News. That person is declared righteous then and there. The verdict of the Last Judgment is already rendered here and now. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1).

Jesus said he came not to save those who thought they were righteous, but sinners. In one parable he told, a religious leader prayed zealously, “God, I thank you that I am not like this sinful tax-collector,” while the tax-collector felt too guilty to raise his eyes to God and simply cried out, “Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner.” “I tell you the truth,” Jesus said, “that man went home to his house justified that day rather than the other.” If you believe that your own righteousness is “like filthy rags” (Is 64:6), and that your only righteousness before God is that holiness of Christ in which he has wrapped you, then you come to see that your moral superiority itself is the deepest sin. Christ calls us to die to ourselves: to our fake righteousness as well as to our more obvious sins.

So when we are gathered by Christ around his Word, his Table, and Baptism, we are not active agents of self-salvation in a position to judge everyone else, but fellow sinners who have been justified (declared righteous) through faith in Christ. We are co-heirs of God’s entire estate, including his Spirit who is gradually conforming us to Christ’s image and producing the fruit of righteousness and peace in hearts where strife, domination, envy, and bitterness prevailed. It’s often been said that the church is a hospital for sinners, not a country club for saints. If we really believed that, wouldn’t it make a difference?

The Idea of Loyalty

Merriam-Webster defines loyalty as the quality or state or an instance of being loyal.

Loyal meaning unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one’s lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product.

Overall, I believe loyalty is commendable AND necessary. It is true in all relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, related to your job, etc. And yet, I am finding out loyalty is either one sided or fickle. Maybe I am the same way too, I am not sure, but it sure irks me that loyalty is more of a theory than a common practice nowadays!

For example, it is true that my friends expect me to be loyal to them…..to honor them with honesty, keeping my word, etc. I don’t blame them. Yet, I have witnessed that when it comes to ME, excuses are often given to explain why commitments can’t be kept or why “the rules” don’t apply to them as well. But it’s not PERSONAL or anything, right? And I am realizing this “problem” is my fault too, because I let it happen and don’t stand up for myself. Something I am working on.

However, I would be remiss to not share that I have people in my life who are extremely loyal; two of whom are Martin and Kathleen. Even when I don’t remain loyal to them (I keep saying I will visit their church and then don’t!) they always check up on me, send me emails, pray for me……I can certainly learn a thing or two from their example! Thanks to both of you for being true, loyal friends. And Martin – two things; 1) I have “I’m A Man” on my iPod so that’s where I heard it, and 2) I agree with your comments regarding the Jesus pic I posted!

Challenge for the day – think about someone else today and try to act loyal, if just a little bit!

Gina OUT